A Ghostly Mortality

Excerpt

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Chapter 1
In no time and with a little bit of a lead foot, I had the hearse parked in the back of Eternal Slumber. It was still strange not seeing Charlotte’s car parked in the space right up against the back door, because Lord forbid she walk any farther than she needed to. Charlotte had always claimed that since she was the one who “sold” our packages that she needed to be presentable, which meant the less she did to mess herself up, the better.

While Charlotte was here, I was in charge of making sure the arrangements for the family were carried out as they had planned, the burial service was ready and all the details were taken care of, like the repass, flowers, memory cards and any other details.

“I better get out of here.” Granny opened the door and grabbed her black leather touring helmet off the seat next to her and strapped it under her chin. “I left Hettie in charge and God only knows what concoction she made at the juice bar. Plus, I still have to make my pies for dinner tonight.”

Hettie Bell owned Pose and Relax, the yoga studio next to Eternal Slumber. She also helped Granny on a part-time basis at the Sleepy Hollow Inn when Granny needed someone. Hettie was a health nut and would make up all sorts of lime-green, slimy drinks to serve to the customers when Granny was gone. Hettie said that the tourists who visited our town for our famous caves needed to be in tip-top shape for them to hike and spelunk. Granny always lifted a brow when Hettie went on with her herbal mumbo jumbo. I simply smiled.

“Don’t you be worrying about nothing.” Granny slipped the aviator goggles over her eyes, instantly magnifying them three times their normal size. “It’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to.”

“That’s an upbeat attitude, Granny.” I smiled and got out of the hearse, slamming the door behind me.

“Mm, hmm.” Granny groaned. She bent down and unlocked the padlock she used to lock the chain around the tree and her moped. Granny was worried about someone stealing her ride. She carried a heavy-duty chain to secure her moped to anything that was bolted down. You couldn’t get anything more bolted into the ground than a tree. Granny threw her leg over her moped.

“Between me and you”—Granny flipped the switch and twisted the moped handle to full throttle—“she’s lost her ever-loving mind working for them Hardgroves. Mark my words, she’s gonna regret it. Do you need any help with Jade?” Granny nodded toward the line of television network vans that had parked along the curve of the town square.

Granny referred to Jade Lee Peel, my current client at Eternal Slumber. Her funeral was late this afternoon. Jade was sort of a celebrity from Sleepy Hollow. She’d been in town for a class reunion and had used the opportunity to launch her new reality TV show about her. She’d left Sleepy Hollow after high school to pursue her modeling and acting career. I’m not going to lie—I might stretch the truth a tad, but I didn’t lie—Jade and I weren’t the best of friends and she wasn’t the nicest of classmates. In fact, she was the one who had given me the name Creepy Funeral Home Girl. Needless to say she crossed one too many people and found herself on the other side of the ground. Six feet under. It just so happened that Eternal Slumber was hosting her funeral, and the tabloid television shows were all over it.

“I’m good. I’ve got it all covered.” I grinned through my big lie. When I’d left this morning, Mary Anna Hardy, Eternal Slumber beautician and owner of Girl’s Best Friend Spa, had yet to get Jade’s makeup on.

In one motion, Granny pulled her wrist back, planted her feet on the footrest and whizzed out of the parking lot. The only thing I could do was shake my head. There was no way I was ever going to get over seeing my seventy-seven-year-old granny driving a moped for transportation when she’d had a perfectly nice car before she decided to trade it in for the hunk of junk.

“I thought I heard you pull in.” Vernon Baxter stood on the small porch at the back entrance of the funeral home. He was a stately-looking older man with white hair sprinkled with dark. He was a very handsome man. He was not only the county coroner, but he did all the stuff I didn’t like to do. The embalming.

It took a special person to cut open a dead body, take out all of their organs and drain their fluids. Of course I was trained in embalming, but if I could pay someone else to do it, it was better for me.

“The phone has been ringing off the hook and I took several messages from the families we have lined up.” He held out a bunch of square Post-it notes. “Artie Peel wants to know what time they need to be here for the final viewing.”

Before the funeral, I always scheduled a time where the deceased’s loved ones had time to give their final goodbyes. Artie was a beloved member of the community and owner of Artie’s Meat and Deli. It was a shame what had happened to Jade. She was his only daughter. Plus his wife had died when Jade was young.

“What is it about winter to spring?” I asked and walked up the steps, taking the notes from him. He opened the door and held it for me.

“I guess death is just like the seasons. Winter kills things and spring brings life.” He followed me into the back of the funeral home where the employee kitchen was located.

“Whoa!” I jumped to the side when I felt something brush up against my leg and race into the funeral home. “What was that?” I asked and looked inside.

“What?” Vernon asked with a whistle of surprise. He looked around to see what I was all jumpy about.

“I’m not going in there until you see what that was.” Sleepy Hollow was set in the foothills of Kentucky and the caves were a backdrop to our town. Many critters lived in these parts and you just never knew what was going to show up. “Some sort of vermin ran in the back door. It could’ve been a po-cat or a possum because I felt its tail rub my leg.”

“I didn’t see anything. And I certainly don’t smell anything.” Vernon lifted his nose in the air. Both of those critters did have distinct smells.

He looked around while I stood outside.

“Nothing.” He poked his head back out the door. “The kitchen door is even closed off to the rest of the building, so maybe it was the wind.”

“Maybe.” I looked behind me at the tree line behind the funeral home. Not a single leaf was blowing. There was no wind. I bent down and rubbed my calf thinking it might’ve been a leg spasm, so I put the incident behind me and walked in the funeral home.

When I was growing up, the entire back of the funeral home was our family home. Charlotte and I shared a bedroom, Granny had her own and so did my parents. There was a family room where we watched television and a kitchen, along with a couple of bathrooms. After Charlotte and I took over, we knew it was time to remodel and update. Since Charlotte had her own apartment, I decided to stay. We transformed the living quarters into another viewing room, but kept part of the kitchen for the employees. We kept our bedroom and turned Granny’s room into a little kitchenette and TV room for me. Since it was only me, I didn’t need a lot of space. There was a separate entrance also in the back for my small apartment. It was plenty big for me.

“Thank you for taking the calls. And making some coffee.” I walked over to the freshly brewed pot of coffee and poured some in a mug. “It’s exactly what I need to calm my nerves after fussing with Charlotte.”

“How was she?” Vernon asked.

It had come as a big shock to everyone when she left us and moved out of Sleepy Hollow. It was almost a scandal when she left. The town gossips were all abuzz with speculation as to why she left for another funeral home. But we just kept our heads high and said it was a better opportunity for her.

Granny took it harder than anyone. She felt betrayed by Charlotte Rae. It was apparent from Granny’s comments earlier.

“I don’t know.” I blew on the much-needed coffee and let the steam swirl up before I took a sip. “You know Charlotte. She makes everything look as if it was all coming up roses. But Granny”—I shook my head—“she still isn’t over Charlotte leaving. I felt bad for her today when Charlotte paraded us around that building showing us how she hosts wedding receptions, baby showers—”

“Baby showers?” Vernon’s head jerked back and he looked at me as if I had two heads.

“Yep. I’ve never seen anything like it. Charlotte is not only a funeral director, she’s a party planner now.” I laughed.

“Did you get the papers signed?” Vernon asked.

Vernon was not only my employee, he had become like a father figure to me, and since Charlotte left, I found I went to Vernon for business advice.

“Nope.” I filled my mug again and shuffled through the Post-it notes, taking a look to see who had called. I leaned my hip on the edge of the counter and looked at Vernon. “That is one thing I don’t get. If she’s so happy, then why not sign the papers?”

“Maybe she’s having second thoughts.” Vernon shrugged. “I’ve got to get back to Jade and sign off on her papers to give to Jack Henry.”

“You’re all finished?” I asked knowing he’d have to get his final autopsy report to Jack Henry Ross, Sleepy Hollow sheriff and my hunky boyfriend.

“Mary Anna had come to do Jade’s makeup but I still had to sew Jade’s eyes shut.” Vernon made a sewing motion with his hand, sending chills up my spine. “Mary Anna is down there now shining up the tiara.”

The tiara was a perfect touch to Jade’s final resting place. I’d even gotten a horse from Dottie Kramer so Jade’s coffin could be pulled to the cemetery in a horse-drawn carriage. My only problem was finding a Cinderella-style carriage. Another reason why Charlotte had left a bad taste in my mouth. She’d come down here after word that Jade Lee Peel had died and tried to get Artie to use Hardgrove Legacy Center to lay Jade to rest. She’d even promised a Cinderella-style carriage. I promised it too, just to nail down Jade’s funeral here. Unfortunately, I wasn’t having any luck finding a carriage.

“Thanks, Vernon.” It was nice to not have to worry about going down the checklist like I used to have to do with Charlotte Rae. “At least we know Jade would’ve loved this hullabaloo.” I pointed to the door because Jade would’ve loved all the attention from the news media.

Before Charlotte had left with less than a twenty-four-hour notice, I had a checklist of sorts. Vernon would tell Charlotte when the body was ready to be dressed and Charlotte would call Mary Anna Hardy.

I couldn’t do my own hair and makeup, much less the dead’s. Not Mary Anna. She said she liked working on the corpses better than her living clients because they didn’t talk back to her or complain.

Still, Charlotte was in charge of all of that. After the family viewed the body, it was my turn to take over and Charlotte moved on to the next family. I made sure the funeral went smoothly and the parlor was ready for viewing. Charlotte didn’t like to attend the funeral part. She said she didn’t like to see people cry and act all sad. Who did? Since Charlotte refused to do it, lucky me, I had to deal with it.

Now that I was in charge, it seemed like everything ran a little smoother since I wasn’t a micromanager like Charlotte. Vernon knew the drill and he and I worked like a finely oiled machine. Instead of giving me the burden of calling Mary Anna, he took it on as part of his duties to leave out the middle man and call her himself. That way if there was some sort of special fill-in, like a little more putty on the nose area or an abnormality Mary Anna could cover up with makeup, he could tell her himself. So far so good.

“I’ll go ahead and call Artie.” I did a quick check of the time by pulling my cell out of my back pocket. “I’ll make sure to get the front viewing room ready for him because Sissy Phillips’s family requested the east room because that was where her daddy was laid out.” Sissy’s funeral was in the morning and I was sure Vernon hadn’t even started on her yet. It was going to be a late night for all of us here at Eternal Slumber.

It wasn’t uncommon for a family to request a certain viewing room especially if they had used it before. Whatever made them comfortable was fine with me. It was hard enough to lose a family member, so I tried to make the funeral planning a little easier on them. It was nice when the deceased had pre-need arrangements because then there was no decision-making needed from the grieving family. All the decisions had been made. But with Charlotte gone, I was finding it hard to do everything. Even if she was having second thoughts, I would never admit life had been much easier with her here. Or to clarify, life was a little easier when I had an extra set of hands . . . not necessarily her perfectly manicured ones because she never got down into the nitty-gritty.

Vernon got on the elevator and I walked into my office, the one that used to be Charlotte’s. It was much larger than the one I used to have and furnished much nicer. It was where the family would come to sign all the final papers, so we made sure it was a comfortable and welcoming space for them.

Death was such a sad and final experience that I tried to make it as nice as I could. I grabbed the portable phone off the charger that sat on the credenza behind the desk and plopped down on the cream leather couch in front of the window while I dialed Jack Henry.

“Good morning.” I couldn’t stop the smile that automatically found a place on my face when I heard Jack Henry’s voice answer. I sank deeper into the large pillows Charlotte used as decoration only and let my body melt as I talked to him. “I wanted to call and hear a happy voice before I call back my clients and get ready for Jade’s funeral.”

It was true. Jack Henry made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside that calling him first thing in the morning before returning the calls from my clients really helped me and was becoming part of my routine.

Knowing I had a lot of work left to do, I got up and walked down the hall into the vestibule of the funeral home before taking a right into the viewing room. The chairs were set up for Jade’s funeral, but I still needed to finish putting the slipcovers over some of them.

“Good morning. I was going to stop by, but when I drove by, I saw your hearse was gone and Zula’s moped chained to the tree. I knew you must’ve gotten your courage up to go see Charlotte.” Jack’s deep southern drawl melted my heart. It took everything I had not to throw in the towel for the day and spend it with him. Especially now that I only had me to answer to. “How was it? Did she sign the papers?”

“It was weird and no, she didn’t.” I groaned and walked over to the storage room door. Every viewing room had their own storage room filled with linens for the funerals and other items like Kleenex and floral stands.

I barely got the door open when the orange-and-white-striped tail darted inside.

“Oh my.” Quickly, I slammed the door shut. I knew something brushed up against my leg and now that I’d seen the tail, I would bet money it was a feral cat, which wouldn’t be uncommon in our wooded area. “I knew I felt something earlier.”

“Huh?” Jack Henry sounded confused.

“I think a feral cat got into the funeral home.”

“A cat?” Jack asked.

“Yes,” I whispered and slightly opened the door with my eye looking through the crack.

A flash of orange whipped past me. I jumped around to face the chairs, and the tail danced around and under them. I walked down the aisle with my phone pinned between my ear and shoulder, looking all around the room to see if I could find the cat. The last thing we needed was the Peel family to come in here and a cat appear out of nowhere.

“Didn’t a cat get in there once before?” Jack Henry asked, reminding me of a very bad situation that I had wanted to forget.

“Umhmm.” I bent down and looked underneath the chairs. A long time ago I had secretly kept a cat in my bedroom. Charlotte Rae had left my door open and the cat got out when there was a funeral going on. During Pastor Brown’s final prayer when everyone’s head was bowed, the cat had apparently jumped in the casket and curled up right on the funeral pillow. When everyone opened their eyes, screams came from all directions. Needless to say, we’d lost a couple of clients after that and it had spread all over town about how Eternal Slumber let feral animals into the funeral home. Business might’ve recovered after a few months, but the gossip never did stop and still to this day the cat incident was occasionally brought up.

“I don’t see that cat.” I stood up and looked around, scratching my head.

“You actually saw a cat?” Jack asked.

“I saw a cat tail in the air.” I knew I sounded crazy, but I’d seen many more things that others couldn’t. “Anyways, Charlotte kind of pushed the papers aside like it was no big deal and told me she would get to it later.” I opened the door of the storage room and flipped on the light. “And I mentioned it to Gina Marie Hardgrove. She was mad because Charlotte hadn’t signed them.”

“Why would that be skin off her back?” Jack asked.

“Apparently Charlotte signed a non-compete with them.” My eyes scanned the room for a roaming tail.

“That doesn’t make sense since Eternal Slumber is nowhere near Hardgrove’s.” He made a good point.

“Charlotte did say that she was getting some of Burns’s clients, which still makes no sense to me since I’m right here.” I let out an exasperated, long sigh and walked back over to the storage closet to get a few more slipcovers. I might as well get something done while I was on the phone.

“Here, kitty, kitty,” I bent down and tried to see if the cat had made its way back into the closet and squeezed underneath the lowest shelf. I didn’t know a thing about cats, but I did know they could work their way into tight spaces.

I didn’t know much about animals in general. My parents didn’t allow animals in our home—the cat in the coffin is a good example of why.

“You see the cat?” Jack Henry’s voice escalated. Our conversation had turned back to the cat.

“I think a cat went back in the storage room.” I got on my hands and knees and continued to crawl around looking in all the tight spaces. “Did you hear me say Charlotte said she’d sign them later?”

“How much later?” Jack asked a good question. “She’s been gone for months now.”

“Granny seems to think Charlotte is regretting her decision.” I wouldn’t bother telling Jack Henry all the details of my visit to Hardgrove’s. Although my sister and I didn’t get along that well, we were still sisters and I didn’t want to make her look any more stupid than Melinda and her daughter had made her look earlier in the day. Even if it was only gossip between me and Jack Henry, it was still gossip.

“Do you think she is?” Jack asked.

“I don’t know, but maybe I’ll go back out to see her without Granny,” I suggested and stood back up. There was no hide nor hair of the cat to be seen.

I grabbed the blue linen chair covers off the shelf. Artie had picked out a blue sparkly pageant dress of Jade’s to lay her to rest. It would definitely look very Cinderella-ish.

“That would probably be a good idea. Say, I’ve got some free time for lunch before the funeral. Do you want to meet at the inn for lunch?” he offered.

“That sounds great.” I hated to pass up any time I could spend with Jack Henry. “But I still need to find a carriage for the funeral.” I was starting to regret making a promise to Artie about the carriage when I had no idea where or how to get one. I’d called many places that rent those types of things for sweet sixteen birthdays and parades, but no one had returned my calls.

Really I wanted to run back up to see Charlotte before Jade’s funeral and talk to her myself. I didn’t want anyone to know, not even Jack.

“So I won’t see you until the funeral?” he asked with a touch of disappointment in his tone.

Sleepy Hollow shut down when there was a funeral. Jack Henry always led the funeral procession in his cruiser. I didn’t know what it was about those lights, but when he turned them on, he turned me on.

“We can make up for lost time after the funeral.” I looked down at my watch and bit my lip, wondering how I was going to fit Jack Henry in my nightly plans since Sissy was a top priority. There was no way I was going to tell Jack Henry that.

“Is that a promise?”

“If I’m lying, I’m dying.” I shut my eyes so tight they almost hurt. I was preparing myself to get struck down by lightning. I had made a promise to Jack that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to keep.

I had a couple of hours to get everything set up for Sissy in the other room. The memory books for both Sissy and Jade had been sent to Fluggie Callahan, and I needed to return the calls before I could head back to Hardgrove’s. I was going to get Charlotte alone one way or another.

“Did you find the cat?” Jack Henry asked.

“No, but I’ll tell John Howard to keep an eye out for it. See you soon.” I hit End and added a couple of blue casket drapes to my growing pile.

“Hell fire! Where is everyone?” I heard someone yell from the viewing room. “I know someone’s got to be here,” the voice grumbled.

I walked out of the closet and put the linens on one of the folded chairs.

“Honey, I was beginning to wonder what was going on around here.” Marla Maria Teater stood in the middle of the room with the biggest casket spray of blue carnations I had ever seen. She wore a bright pink jumpsuit that zipped up the front, but stopped in the middle of her cleavage. A dog leash was fastened around her wrist and the other end was attached to Lady Cluckington, Marla Maria’s prize Orloff pet hen.

“What on earth are you doing?” I asked, taking a good look at the flowers.

A white sash across the arrangement read Daughter, Friend, Queen.

“Are you okay?” Marla took one good look at me and dropped the flower spray on the floor.

When she rushed over, the leash dropped and Lady pecked the flowers. Marla ignored her and used the pads of her fingers to tap underneath my eyes.

“You haven’t been using the Preparation H I gave you.” She grabbed my chin with her fingers, giving it a good jerk side to side and up and down. “I don’t go around wasting beauty tips on just no one. I expected you, of all my girls, to take my advice.”

“I appreciate all of your advice.” I jerked my head back and out of her pinchers. I rubbed my chin, feeling the indentions of the nails she’d embedded in me. She was right. I hadn’t done much about my appearance because I was busy.

I stared at her for a second, wondering if she remembered that it was dead people that were my clients and they for sure didn’t care if I had bags, circles or even wrinkles around my eyes.

“Advice?” She ran her hands down my hair and fluffed up a few of the layers. “Preparation H is not advice, it’s a miracle for those little wrinkles under your eyes.” She tapped my eyes again. She sucked her lips in real tight. “If it can shrink a hemorrhoid, think about those wrinkles. And you have a hot cop to keep on the line.” Her puckered lips disturbed me on so many levels.

I put my hand on my heart. “I will use it tonight. I promise.” I looked back down at the flowers, closed my eyes and gulped. That would be two promises I probably wasn’t going to be able to keep.

“If you don’t start taking care of yourself, you are going to be right up there.” She lifted her arm and pointed to the front of the viewing room.

“Now, what are you doing here with that?” I had to change the subject. I might be in the business of death, but I didn’t want to think about my own.

“Oh no.” Marla Maria’s face melted into a frown. Lady had given that funeral flower spray a run through the ringer. “If Dottie Kramer knew I dropped this on the floor, she’d skin my hide and pluck off all of Lady’s gorgeous feathers for getting a hold of it.”

“Dottie Kramer?” I asked.

“You haven’t heard?” Marla Maria was bent over the flower arrangement, plucking and picking off the stems that had bent, broke and been nibbled on. “Dottie Kramer opened up a florist in her barn. She has done so well with her vegetables, she decided to try out her green thumb. And she dropped off that old humpback horse you wanted for Jade’s carriage.”

I went behind her and picked up the pieces she discarded. “And you are helping her?”

“When I was at Artie’s delivering the eggs, she was in there sticking all sorts of fresh flowers in buckets of water near the register. Artie said he’d let her give it a go and my goodness, they were all gone by the end of the morning rush.”

“You still deliver eggs to Artie’s?” I was stuck on the fact she continued her deceased husband’s job because, when he was alive, she’d complained to high heavens. She nodded. “I bet Chicken is real happy about that.”

I referred to her deceased husband, Chicken Teater. Murdered husband. In fact, Chicken was the second Betweener client that had come to me because he was murdered. I’m not going to lie, I had thought Marla Maria killed him because she was jealous of Lady Cluckington, but after putting my amateur sleuthing skills to the test and sticking my nose in places it shouldn’t have been stuck in, I did find out who killed him and why.

“It just seemed fittin’ since Chicken did a good job at it, and what in hell am I going to do with all of them eggs?” Marla Maria stood up and brushed her hands together before she picked up Lady’s leash and wrapped it back around her wrist. “Now, where is Jade?”

It wouldn’t be unusual for Marla Maria to ask to see Jade. Marla Maria also ran the pageant school on the outskirts of town for young women who wanted to be beauty queens. She had been fascinated with Jade Lee Peel.

“She won’t be out until this afternoon, but I’ll be sure to put those in the refrigerator and place them right on top of her big blue casket.” I didn’t want to risk the media getting a photo of Jade like the many they’d done of celebrities in their caskets. I walked over to the linens and picked the top one up and snapped it open. “You didn’t answer my question—are you helping Dottie?”

I had just been to Marla’s pageant school and it was packed. It would seem strange for her to spend time working for Dottie when the school was doing so well.

“Just on funeral arrangements. You know I’m busy with the pageant school.” Marla Maria had used the big plot of land Chicken left her in his will to open the beauty pageant school.

Pageantry was taken just as seriously as horse racing around these parts and if anyone could make a business out of teaching girls how to walk, talk and bow, it was former Miss Kentucky, Marla Maria Teater.

“I don’t know much about dead people and it really gives me the goose bumps being in here, so I’m sorry if you need help since Charlotte left, but I don’t think I can help out.” Marla brushed her hands down her jumpsuit and folded them at her waist.

“I’m good.” I smiled. “I don’t need help.”

“From what I heard, you and Zula hightailed it out of town this morning to go see Charlotte.” Marla was fishing for information. “I mean, I overheard something like that.”

“Spill it.”

“Oh, honey.” Marla foo-foo’ed me with her hand. “Don’t be getting your panties in a bind. It was just girl talk. You know how those Auxiliary women can be when nothing else is going on in town.” She turned and trotted toward the vestibule. She called over her shoulder, “They don’t have nothing better to talk about.” Her fingers drummed the air. “Toodles!”

Chapter 2
Thank goodness I worked well under pressure because I got Jade Lee’s viewing room done in record time. She would’ve loved it. Fluggie Callahan called to say that she’d come by a bit before the visitation so she could drop the memorial cards on her way to drop off the weekly newspapers to the stores. Fluggie was the owner and editor of the Sleepy Hollow Gazette, the only paper in town.

I had even gotten some of Sissy Phillips’s viewing room ready. Not completely, but some, which would let me have a little more time with Jack Henry instead of spending all night with poor Sissy before we stuck her six feet under. I had a couple hours left before I had to open the doors for Artie to view Jade. Mary Anna had assured me Jade would be fixed up and in front of the viewing room window long before that time, allowing me to jump in the hearse and pay Charlotte a quick visit without Granny.

The fountain Arley had been working on earlier at Hardgrove’s was spewing bright pink water out of its jets. He was running around chasing after a cygnet, a baby swan. The closer he got, the more it flapped and squalled. He glanced my way. His arm lifted and he swiped it across the sweat that had beaded up on his forehead.

I put the car in Park, smiled and waved. He groaned and dove for the resting cygnet, catching it in his grips. He held it high in the sky, pumping his hands in the air like he had just made the final winning shot at the NCAA basketball championship game.

I shook my head and got out of the hearse. There were a few more cars in the parking lot and I was happy to see Charlotte’s was still there. When I walked in, I could hear some voices. Loud voices. And one of them was Charlotte’s.

I walked in the direction of the echoing and escalating voices, stopping briefly when I noticed a painting on the wall that I hadn’t notice earlier. It was of Gina Marie Hardgrove and her two brothers. My stomach churned as I read the gold plaque: Hardgrove Family. It brought back the memories of those two boys following Charlotte around like lovesick puppies at some of the conventions our parents had taken us to.

No wonder Gina Marie was the one to take over. Her brothers were too busy trying to mark Charlotte Rae as their property, telling her they were going to be the Funeral Kings of Kentucky and she could be the queen. They’d fed her lines that she could get a big ring like Gina. Maybe that was what had been in Charlotte’s head when we took over Eternal Slumber, but then she realized we were just a small town, homegrown funeral home and we really did just care about comforting the family in a time of need. I couldn’t help but wonder if she figured out we weren’t going to make the money she needed for the life she wanted.

“Listen here, Charlotte,” Gina Marie spit out. “You better find that donation card because I am not going to make another insurance claim on your behalf. This is awfully suspicious.”

Donation cards were not uncommon in the undertaker industry. Most of the time, the family would donate the deceased’s clothes or housing items the family didn’t want. Most funeral homes provided a donation card so the family didn’t have to worry about all the tedious things.

“I’m telling you that I put the card in the file before they closed the casket.” Charlotte’s voice quivered. A tone I had never heard from her. “Ask Sammy.”

“Maybe that is your problem. You are spending too much time with my brother on Hardgrove time and forgetting to finish the paperwork.”

My ears perked up.

“Sammy is married. He is off-limits. You have had your eye on him since you paraded around those conventions. When I hired you, I told him to stay far away from this location. And now he tells me he is leaving his wife, which will put a piece of Hardgrove’s hard-earned dollars in her hands. Something I cannot let happen. Does this have anything to do with you? Because I swear if it does, you’ll regret it! Plus, you need to sign off on those papers your crazy sister was flapping her lips about because you are in breach of contract.”

That was it! It was bad enough she insulted Charlotte Rae by thinking Charlotte would lay down with that dog, Sammy Hardgrove, but to call me crazy. I’ll show her crazy.

“Come on in, look around.” I bolted in Charlotte Rae’s office and talked to the empty space next to me like someone was there. “Can you believe this? Charlotte Rae has moved up in the world. And you can stay here with her.” I let out a crazy cackle in the air. My mouth slammed shut and my eyes grew big like I was nuts. “Oops. Did I just say that out loud?” I rolled my finger around my ear. “Forgive me, I have the ‘Funeral Trauma’ and I forgot to take my little pill from Doc Clyde.”

If Gina Marie was going to call me crazy, I was going to embrace it and parade it around.

“Emma, what are you doing back here?” Charlotte Rae’s eyes were red around the rim, matching her hair. I stood there like a good crazy girl and looked between her and Gina. “I’m sorry, Gina. Can I have a few minutes with my sister?”

“Make it fast or you will be riding back to Sleepy Hollow in that broke-down hearse with her.” Gina flipped around and stomped out of the room.

“What a biiitch,” I groaned when the door was safely shut behind me.

“Shut up, Emma,” Charlotte whispered, rushing over to the shut door and putting her ear up. “She’s out there listening,” she mouthed, pointing to the door.

“Sammy? Sammy Hardgrove?” I asked when she gave me the thumbs-up to talk freely. “Seriously? He’s so crooked, you can’t tell by his tracks if he’s coming or going.”

“No one knows.” She shrugged and wiped the tears from her face. “I thought no one knew.” She shook her head and walked over to the window. She crossed her arms and stared out the window. “I just think I need time to adjust.”

“Time to adjust? You have been here a few months and I really need for you to sign those papers.” The envelope was still sitting on her desk. I picked them up and walked over to her. I held them out. “Charlotte. Why are you pushing back on me over a decision you made? It’s been like this all our lives. You always put your needs first and I let you. I’m done with this. Sign the papers.”

“I will.” Charlotte growled and she jerked the envelope out of my hand and ripped it in half, throwing it on the ground.

“Oh my God, Charlotte, you deserve everything this nasty place does to you! You are dumber than a bag full of hammers.” I shook my head. “Granny will die when I tell her about this!” I bent down and picked up the ripped-in-half envelope. “You will hear from my lawyer!”

“Lawyer?” Slowly she turned around, and a devilish look came into her eyes. “You mean Ruby Rose, who got his degree online?” An evil laugh escaped her. “Besides, Sammy loves me. He has always loved me. And he is going to prove it.”

“People think I’m crazy? Boy, do they have the wrong sister!” I jerked the door handle open and stomped out.

I couldn’t help but notice Gina Marie was consoling a woman in one of the fancy sitting rooms. I curled my fist and crunched the envelope in my grasp. Even though I was mad at Charlotte, Gina Marie talking to her like that didn’t sit well in my soul. I wasn’t sure who I was mad at more: Charlotte Rae or Gina Marie.

Either way, I didn’t have any more time to devote to Charlotte Rae. She’d taken up way too much of my time and I had a funeral to put on.

On the way back into Sleepy Hollow I planned on making a pit stop at the cemetery to make sure John Howard Lloyd, my grave digger—among many other hats he wore around the funeral home—had dug the hole an extra foot. Artie insisted Jade be buried at least seven feet under the earth instead of six. Something about if it ever flooded, which to my knowledge had never happened in Sleepy Hollow.

He had bought plots next to each other in the newer part of the cemetery where I had marked a plot off for me and Charlotte Rae. Was Charlotte planning on changing her pre-need arrangements, I wondered as the hearse took the curves back to Sleepy Hollow. Surely to goodness Hardgrove’s had some sort of employee plan like we did. Why would Charlotte want to be buried without family around? Then again, why wouldn’t she? All of our people laid in peaceful rest at Sleepy Hollow Cemetery.

The sign for the Buy-N-Fly off in the distance made my taste buds tingle for a Big Gulp Diet Coke. I jerked the hearse a hard right into the parking lot, barely missing Everett Atwood, who was pumping gas, and completely missed hitting the orange-and-white-striped tabby cat that had run out in front of me. Everett wrenched back, and the gas nozzle sprayed gas all over Beulah Paige Bellefry’s bright red Cadillac. My face scrunched up and an audible groan escaped me.

“Emma Lee Raines!” Beulah Paige spat out of her pink lips. She lifted her fist in the air and ran over to me. She beat that fist on my window. “Are you crazy? That gas better wipe off and not take the paint off my car or Eternal Slumber will be buying me a brand-new Caddy!” She stuck her fist in the air.

“Did you want me to kill the cat that ran right in front of me?” I pointed in the direction where the feline I had swerved to miss had run off. I wasn’t in the business of burying animals. And I wasn’t going to start today. I got out of the car, ready to take my punishment from her.

“You can bet your boots I’m going to document this!” She huffed and puffed up like a blowfish. Her fake lashes batted against her fake tan. She was the only woman I knew who stayed tan all year around and kept her hair as apple red as Granny’s. Her bright blue eyes pierced me.

I tapped on her pocketbook that swung from the crook of her arm. “I bet you have a journal in there all about me, don’t you?”

“You are crazy!” Beulah jerked the purse closer to her body. “Emma Lee! No wonder your sister left you high and dry.”

She turned on the balls of her feet and trotted into the Buy-N-Fly.

Beulah always had to get the last word in.

It was best to keep my mouth shut.

“Hi, Everett.” I did feel bad almost hitting him. “How’s your momma and them?”

It was always polite manners to ask someone about their family, even if I wasn’t listening to the answer.

“Everyone is good.” Everett continued to wipe down Beulah’s car. I stood there watching because I could feel Beulah Paige inside running her big mouth to everyone in there about me as she paid. “Did you say you saw a cat?”

“Yeah.” I pointed to the wooded area next to the Buy-N-Fly. “It must’ve run off in there.”

“I didn’t see no cat.” His face was clouded with uneasiness.

“Huh.” I scratched my head and looked at him. “You didn’t?” I asked and watched his head slowly shake back and forth, his eyes never leaving mine.

Suddenly I became increasingly uneasy under his scrutiny.

“Well, it was there.” I wasn’t waiting for Beulah to come out. I wanted my drink and I wanted it now. With or without Beulah in there gossiping like she always did. Either way, I was going to have to face the music now or later. It would be all over town that I tried to kill her and Everett with my car. Beulah was the gossip queen of Sleepy Hollow and she could pack a tale better than anyone I knew.

“Weee-doggie, I’ve been dying for a Big Gulp,” I proclaimed as loud as I could when I stepped inside the Buy-N-Fly. “Burying dead people all day leaves you a little parched.” I slapped my lips open and closed a few times with some sound for dramatic effect.

“See I told ya.” Beulah grabbed the pearls around her neck with one hand, guarding them as if I was going to jump her and steal them right off her. “Certifiably nuts.”

“You don’t know diddly squat,” I grumbled under my breath at the Big Gulp counter, filling my cup up to the rim with the pebble ice that made the Diet Coke good and cold. Exactly the way I liked it.

By the time I made it up to the counter to pay, Beulah had hightailed it out of there.

I wish I would’ve thought to get John Howard Lloyd a drink because when I finally made it to the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, he was pouring sweat from digging Jade’s seven-foot-deep grave plot.

“I wish you would use the backhoe,” I said when I approached him.

“Nah.” John Howard stopped briefly. He leaned on the shovel with one arm and took his hat off, wiping the sweat away from his wiry hairline with his forearm. “I’m ’bout done. Plus, it keeps me in shape for softball.”

“That’s right. When is the next game?” I asked about the new softball league that had started back up in Sleepy Hollow.

He shrugged. He was a man of few words.

For years there were teams but it seemed to fade away a while back; but a few months ago John Howard asked me if Eternal Slumber would help sponsor a team and I was game. Especially since Jack Henry was on the team and I loved seeing those tight baseball pants on him.

“Arley Burgin looks like he’s practicing sliding on base.” I chuckled to myself. John Howard looked confused. “I saw him this morning diving after a bird to put in the fountain in front of Hardgrove’s.”

He shook his head.

“Are you doing okay?” I asked.

“Sure am, why?”

“I was on my way back to the funeral home and wanted to make sure the final arrangements were all set for Jade’s service.” I had all the confidence in the world in John Howard. He never failed me.

“You know”—he adjusted his hat before he grabbed the shovel—“I sure am glad you are in charge and Charlotte is gone.”

“Is that right?” I asked, fishing for more information.

“Yep.” He shook his head. “Arley said your sister is meaner than Gina Marie Hardgrove and he couldn’t stand the likes of her.” John Howard’s mouth thinned in displeasure. “Not that I mean any disrespect to anyone, but I sure wanted you to know how much I’m glad you are here. And business shows it too.”

“Not if Beulah has anything to do with it,” I muttered, regretting how I had treated her a few minutes ago. At the time it was fun, but Granny would get wind of it from the Auxiliary women and fuss at me like I was ten years old. Marla Maria all but confirmed they had been gossiping about me when they’d seen me and Granny heading toward Lexington this morning.

“Aw, Miss Bellefry is harmless. She just likes to flap them lips of hers. She ain’t got nobody else to listen to her.” He winked and stuck the shovel back in the hole, digging a little deeper.

Chapter 3
Everything was looking good at the cemetery and John Howard had it all under control. It was time to make sure Jade was ready to walk her final catwalk in Sleepy Hollow.

Granny’s scooter was chained around the tree on the front lawn of the funeral home. I loved Eternal Slumber. It was the prettiest building in Sleepy Hollow, even though I might be a little biased.

The large red brick, two-story home had a beautiful wraparound porch and large concrete steps up the front to the large leaded-glass, wood-framed doors. The wicker furniture on the porch had large comfy pillows that were so inviting. Most visitors in town didn’t realize it was a funeral home. They figured it to be a historic home to the area, but my family knew we were in the comforting business and wanted everyone to feel welcome and loved when they came to say goodbye to their loved ones.

“Who in the world put all these flowers in this vestibule?” Granny stood in the middle of the open room when I walked in, surrounded by large floral arrangements. She picked up one that had a big birdhouse attached to it. “This here is from Mable Claire. Now you know she spent all of her social security check on this.” Granny tsked.

It was not a secret that the bigger the arrangement sent to a funeral, the better off income-wise the sender was. Everyone tried to outdo everyone. Even with the repass food.

“It was nice of her to send them.” I smiled at all the flowers.

“I can’t believe the florist would just leave them in here like this.” Disappointment sat in Granny’s wrinkles. “You better let them know what is what around here because they obviously know you are in charge and they will run over you.”

“Dottie and Marla Maria don’t really know the protocol, but I’ll give her a call and let her know for Sissy’s funeral.” I picked up an arrangement in each hand and carried them into the viewing room to set them around for the funeral service.

“What do Dottie Kramer and Marla Maria Teater have to do with these?”

“These are straight from Dottie’s farm.” I was happy to see Jade was laid out and ready to go. I picked up the blue carnation spray Marla had brought over earlier off the front row chairs and carried it over to the casket.

“Are you sure?” Granny asked, following me over to Jade’s casket and watching me place the flower spray.

“Yes. Dottie Kramer has opened a flower shop in her barn,” I said and adjusted the ribbon to hang a little bit down the front of the casket.

Like always, Granny and I stopped talking, clasped our hands in front of us, bowed our heads and gave a silent prayer for Jade Lee Peel.

“Amen,” Granny whispered, lifting her finger, touching each shoulder, her forehead and then her heart.

“Really?” My brows furrowed. “We aren’t Catholic,” I reminded her.

“I also went back to Hardgrove’s to get my papers from Charlotte.” I wasn’t sure how Granny was going to take it.

I ran my hands over a couple of chair covers on our way out of the viewing room and tugged on the seams to get a few wrinkles out. That was one problem with the blue linens; they showed all the imperfections the dry cleaners couldn’t fix and the lint was a problem too.

“Did you get them?” Granny asked.

“I sure did.” I pulled the ripped-in-half envelope out of my back pocket and handed it to Granny.

“Oh no.” Granny shook her head. “Charlotte Rae is worse off than I thought.”

Granny went to the kitchen while I went to my office to change. Artie would be here in no time and I had to be out of my jeans and T-shirt and into my usual undertaking outfit of black pants, black top and a black jacket. There was a note on my desk written by Vernon that my parents had called and to call them ASAP along with the rest of the messages he’d taken earlier.

“Charlotte.” I jumped after I turned around and saw her sitting on the couch. “You scared the bejesus out of me. And I’ve got to go. I don’t have time to argue. I’ll see you at the service.” I stopped shy of the door when I didn’t hear her protest. I looked at her. “I told Granny about your behavior,” I tattled like a six-year-old little girl. She brought out the worst in me. “The torn-up papers are on my desk. You sign them and I’ll tape them back together.”

I wasn’t about to wait around for her answer or to even respond to me. I scurried down the hall where the vestibule was already buzzing with people coming in to pay their respects.

“Emma, dear,” Pastor Brown wrapped his arm in mine when I tried to slip by without being seen. “Artie Peel told me you had a special blue stole for the service. Can I get that?”

“Yes.” I snapped my fingers. I had reminded myself earlier not to forget and I wouldn’t have if Charlotte hadn’t shown up. “Let me grab it out of my office. You stay right here.”

Quickly I hurried back down the hall and ducked into the office where I knew Charlotte would be hiding out. She hadn’t made an appearance in Sleepy Hollow since she left (except when she’d practically begged Artie to hire her for Jade Lee’s funeral). She was afraid everyone was mad at her and image was all she cared about.

“Emma,” Charlotte spoke with a low tone. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“What do you mean?” I shut the door behind me. Charlotte stood next to the window, staring out at the mourning crowd walking up the sidewalk toward the front of Eternal Slumber. “Why are you here? You knew I had a busy day and I don’t need you coming in here telling me how wonderful working for Gina Marie is and how much you adore Sammy Hardgrove.” There was a slight sarcastic tone in my voice.

Charlotte didn’t move. Blankly she stared at me.

“Are you okay?” I questioned when I got a good look at Charlotte Rae. She looked worse now than she did earlier when Granny and I went to see her.

There were a couple of dirt smudges on her light green linen suit around the shoulder area and the neatly tied chocolate scarf was no longer in a loose noose around her neck. It was tighter. I swallowed hard and put my own hands around my neck. It made me cringe.

The knock on the door made me jump.

“Don’t tell anyone I’m here,” Charlotte said in a tear-smothered voice. A look of half-startled wariness crossed her eyes before she rushed to the office bathroom. “But I do want you to know that I called a carriage company and they will be delivering a Cinderella carriage for Jade to be taken to the cemetery.” She walked into the bathroom so as not to be seen.

The office door opened. Granny stood with her hand planted on her hip.

“Who you talking to?” Her eyes darted around the room. “Emma Lee, I asked you a question.”

“I . . . um . . .” I gulped and looked toward the bathroom. Charlotte didn’t want anyone to know she was there and if I wanted her to sign those papers, I needed to go along with what she wanted. “I was going over my funeral welcome for Jade.”

Granny’s lips pursed suspiciously. She gave a slight squint of one eye, a sideways movement of the jaw.

“I know I’ve done these a million times, but I always like to practice. It’s not like Princess Jade will get another funeral and I get a do-over.” I smiled, took a deep breath, and rubbed my hands together.

“You are as pretty as a speckled pup.” Granny walked over and lifted her hand. She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I know you are upset with Charlotte Rae not signing the papers. You might be a little envious of the big place she’s got up there in Lexington. You and I both know she ain’t happy up there. So you tuck in whatever is in that pretty little head of yours and go out there and send Jade off in grand style like Artie paid for.” She squeezed. “Nice touch with that Cinderella carriage.”

Granny jerked me toward her and gave me a big bear hug. Over her shoulder, the bathroom door quietly opened. Charlotte Rae stuck her head out. Her eyes seared into me. Slowly she shook her head and lifted her finger to her lips. A slight “shh” escaped her mouth and she shut the door.

“Now.” Granny pushed me out to arm’s length. “I’m going out to greet some folks. Put a little lipstick on and get out there.” Granny didn’t wait for me to say anything. She wasn’t going to hear of it. She and I both knew I had a job to do.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Granny thought lipstick solved everything.

“We did go see Charlotte.” Granny stood in the middle of Beulah, Mable, Hettie, Marla and Mary Anna. “You wouldn’t believe all the responsibility she has on her shoulders.”

I watched as all the Auxiliary women leaned as Granny wove a tale of Charlotte to put to rest any gossip the women might’ve started. As much as I wanted to march over there and tell them the truth, I restrained myself.

“She is so good at making everyone happy. She hosts weddings and funerals.” I overheard Granny bragging on when I walked past and straightened the memorial cards that were placed on a stand stationed before you walked into the viewing room.

The people paying respect for Jade had died down and people were beginning to take their seats. Pastor Brown stood up in front by the casket and placed his Bible on the podium. His razor-sharp blue eyes looked at me and he gave a little nod, letting me know he was ready. He ran his hand over his slick black hair. The sleeve on his brown pin-striped suit coat was a little too small, hitting above his wrist bone, exposing a tarnished metal watch. He cleared his throat.

I turned and walked around, whispering to the small gathered groups that we were ready to start. Everyone walked into the viewing room and took an empty seat. John Howard stood in the hallway and flipped on the sound system. “Blessed Assurance” crackled through the old speakers.

A cackle from the vestibule caught my attention as Granny walked over to me to stand in the back.

“What is Charlotte doing?” I groaned and gave my sister the stink eye when I realized it was her laughing. She took a seat next to the sideboard table. “She told me she didn’t want anyone to know she was here. And now she’s making fun of the sound system.”

“Hi-do.” Granny nodded at a couple of late folks as they walked by and took a seat in the back of the viewing room. “Where is she?”

“By the sideboard,” I bent over and whispered. Charlotte smiled her pretty smile, crossed her long, lean legs and twiddled her fingers in the air at me, giving me a little wink. A wink in Sleepy Hollow said more than a thousand words. “Uh.” I glared at her. “Of course she didn’t mean it. She wants everyone to see her,” I whispered.

“Where?” Granny asked again. Her eyes darted around the vestibule.

“In the chair.” I pointed to Charlotte in the chair. “Oh.” My mind reeled. “If she thinks she’s going to sit there by that sideboard after I told her that she couldn’t have it, she’s got another thing coming to her.” I wagged my finger at Charlotte.

Granny smacked my hand.

“Emma Lee Raines, that chair is empty.” Granny put her hand up on my forehead. “Are you getting sick? Have you taken your meds?”

“So you really can see dead people?” Charlotte Rae was suddenly next to me. “And you really don’t have the ‘Funeral Trauma’?”

Suddenly things had become very clear.

Charlotte Rae Raines wasn’t there to visit her family home, make amends with me, sign the papers or help me with Jade Lee Peel’s funeral. She was there as a Betweener client.

end of excerpt